Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category

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Them!

May 31, 2011

Lorelai:  But the life we had is going to morph into this like mutation that we could never possibly have conceived.

Rory:  Like the giant ants in ‘Them!’? – 2.03

As with most horror movies I’m asked to watch for this blog, I started this one early in the morning so I would have the whole day to recover from it before having to go to sleep tonight.  I also took my shower before watching it, because I have a feeling I might be scared to afterwards.  I know it’s only a 50’s horror movie, which normally isn’t scary…but it’s about bugs.  I don’t do bugs.

  1. Man, I can just picture cute little 50’s girls at the drive in with boys in their school sweaters getting all cozy in the front seat because they’re scared of this movie.
  2. Creepy stuff always happens in New Mexico.  And a little girl holding a doll?!  They’re just asking to creep people out.
  3. This would never happen now.  A town wouldn’t be wiped out by giant ants without the rest of the world knowing.  Someone would put it on Facebook.  Probably with pictures or video.
  4. They all seem awfully calm about shooting at this giant ant…
  5. My bible doesn’t have any prophecy about giant ants.  Ok, I’ll admit, I haven’t read the whole thing.  Maybe it does.
  6. I like how they’re teaching Dr. Medford to speak on a walkie talkie.  “Say over.”  “But I’ve just said it.”  “Say over and out if you’re finished.”  “But she knows I’m finished!”
  7. I’m pretty sure this movie’s not going to scare me.  The ants aren’t all that scary looking.  And no one else in the movie seems all that freaked out.  Except for that little girl.  She’s freaking out.
  8. I think in this situation, I would say “Screw women’s rights.”  You don’t want women in the giant ant nest?  Sounds good to me.
  9. Um, clearly an ant is coming through that hole, guys.  Maybe do something before it does.
  10. Ewwwwww….giant ant eggs.  Ten bucks says we get to see them hatch.
  11. There’s something scary about winged queen ants…
  12. Ants make slaves out of their prisoners?  Is that science, Dr. Medford?
  13. Oh Texans, they say the craziest things.  Flying saucers shaped like ants?  That’s just crazy.
  14. The alcoholic ward of the hospital seems fun.  “Make me a seargent!  Give me the booze!”
  15. Reservoir basins all look the same to me.  Like the location of the drag race at the end of Grease.
  16. Ok, the head of the air force just made an emergency announcement that the city is under attack by giant ants.  Why is no one reacting?
  17. I hope Peterson lives.  I like him.  He saves little kids.
  18. Don’t tell her that her kids are alive until you get them out and away from the ants!
  19. No Peterson!!!
  20. Damn that atomic bomb.
Well, we killed the giant ants.  But what other giant things are we going to find as a result of this new atomic bomb age?!  It’s insanity!
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Cujo

January 28, 2011

Max:  Mmhmm, put Cujo on the phone please. – 2.1

Y’all know how I feel about Stephen King.  Y’all also know how I feel about dogs.  So I’m a little nervous about this one.  I always wanted a St. Bernard, but Stephen has this history of destroying the things I love.  But, I’m going to be brave.

Now some things to mention:

  1. Aw, it starts with a bunny!  Bunnies aren’t scary!
  2. I think little kids should just be allowed to sleep with the lights on.  If you’re scared of the dark, sometimes it’s ok to sleep with the lights on.  Sometimes I leave the kitchen light on if I’m freaked out.  I see nothing wrong with that.
  3. Telling your kid there’s no such thing as real monsters is kind of crap.  I mean, what about serial killers?  They’re monsters.  Or killer St. Bernards.  I’d call that a monster.
  4. She’s sleeping with her husband’s tennis partner?  That’s an interesting twist.
  5. “Our marriage is falling apart.  We should probably have another baby.”
  6. What are the odds that the husband drives by right after his wife tries to leave the man she’s sleeping with while that man is trying to win her back?
  7. Poor Cujo.  He’s clearly feeling sick from his rabies-infested bat bite and those guys are being loud and bothering him.
  8. Hey man, just because your wife is a cheating whore, doesn’t mean you should take it out on your sweet little boy.
  9. Ok, how did no one notice the giant bite on Cujo’s nose?  I mean, you have a dog that roams free on farmland and shows up with a bite on his nose, you freaking get that dog checked out.
  10. That guy pretty much signed himself up to be the first one killed when he said “That dog would never come after me!”
  11. Are you egging on the rabid dog, stupid stupid man?
  12. Yeah, he doesn’t so much need the dog food now.  He just ate your friend.
  13. So far I’m not really getting the whole horror movie aspect of this.  If you ask me, it’s just a rabid dog.  I mean, he’s big because he’s a St. Bernard, but it’s still just a rabid dog.  They took care of it with Old Yeller.
  14. That kid just said “I can’t get my damn seat belt off” and she didn’t react at all.  He’s like 5.
  15. Trapped in a Pinto.  That’s a bad way to go.
  16. Poor Cujo.  He was just chasing a bunny and some stupid bat bit him and now everything’s getting blamed on him.  It’s not his fault the bat bit him and it’s not his fault no one noticed he was rabid.
  17. Close the windows before you try to start the car and get his attention!  These people are so dumb.
  18. Hold on, did that actually happen where she opened the door and the dog attacked her?  Or did her husband just dream it?
  19. Shaking and screaming at a kid during an asthma attack probably won’t help him very much.  Though apparently in this movie, it does.
  20. Well, Stephen King is a pro at making me think things are going to go well and then ruining my life by proving me wrong, so I’m not holding out much hope for this cop.
  21. If she got bit by Cujo, wouldn’t she get rabies?  I mean, she might not go rabid and I know it’s not like zombies, but she would at least get sick, wouldn’t she?
  22. Really?  You’re taking on a rabid St. Bernard with a baseball bat?  That’s probably not your best idea.
  23. Do you know for 100% sure that dog is dead?  Because if you don’t, you should probably still shoot him.  Just for safe measure.
  24. Who called it?  That dog totally wasn’t dead.  I knew he’d come back.  Stupid people.
  25. Yeah, you’re a little late there, Vic.

So, I think this is the kind of movie that scared me a lot during it (I covered my eyes and screamed a lot) but it probably won’t keep me up at night.  Like I said, it was just a rabid dog.  I am curious as to how the mother and kid who owned Cujo are going to react when they come back to their house and find three dead guys, a dog shot in the kitchen and a bloody Pinto in the yard.

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Amityville Horror

December 12, 2010

“No, that house is not safe!  It’s like the Amityville Horror without all the good times!” – 1.20

Ok, I’m not going to lie.  I’m really scared to watch this.  One time in college there was a psych experiment that I was a participant of and they made us watch the newest version without the sound.  Which was terrifying.  I’m going with my theory that older movies aren’t as scary as the new ones.  I’m also holding on to the fact that I took a class in college called Paranormal Phenomena where my professor told us that the whole Amityville story was made up.  2 people moved into this house and made up the whole story with their lawyer.  Once they made all the money off of books and movies, they came out with the truth that they had made it all up.  Well, the murders happened, but the whole haunting thing is crap.  Just hold on to that…

  1. James Brolin just makes me think of Phoebe saying she was pregnant with James Brolin’s baby.
  2. I was just watching Superman this morning.  It’s like a Margot Kidder kind of day.
  3. Ok, I get it, people being shot is really bad.  However, if you’ve gotta go…wouldn’t you rather get shot in the middle of the night while you’re sleeping?  I mean, you’re not scared, you don’t see it coming, you just die in your sleep.  Not a bad way to go, in my opinion.  And I’m aware I’ll probably go to hell for that statement.
  4. Oh that priest is so going to die.  It’s always the priest.  No one should ever be a priest.
  5. Ew.  I hate flies.  This is so gross.  If you get attacked by flies and then a creepy disembodied voice tells you to get out, you get the hell out.  Although, you should probably tell the family that just moved into the house.
  6. I know the newer one is probably ten million times scarier, but Ryan Reynolds is just so much hotter than James Brolin.
  7. I don’t believe in ghosts, but I think I’d still have trouble sleeping in a house where 5 people died.
  8. Seriously, what does this house have against holy people?  I mean, they’re just trying to hang out and the house keeps making them throw up or crash cars.
  9. Damn, the babysitter always gets it.  That’s why I don’t babysit anymore.
  10. Imaginary friends are never a good sign.  My kids will NOT have imaginary friends.  People die when kids have imaginary friends.
  11. A priest just said “bureaucratical bullshit”.  Priests yelling at each other is awesome.
  12. Man, the only thing that made me jump in this movie was the window coming down on that little boy’s hand.  Well, so far.
  13. Ok, seriously, what’s with the flies?
  14. Really George?   You just stole a book from the library…You know they let you have those for free, right?
  15. Oh these people are so going to die.  George told them to stay outside and now she’s in the basement digging up dead bodies.
  16. Oh this is going to be so bad…you can’t dig up a place where people were buried and not have it be a bad thing.  The passage to hell, that sounds really bad.
  17. Wait a minute, you open up the passage to hell and just leave it open and stay in the house?!  What the hell is wrong with these people?!  You can’t just walk around with a crucifix and expect it to fix everything!  Get out of the house!
  18. What is happening to her face?  Why does she have all those blisters?  Oh my god, get out of the house, crazy people!
  19. This is getting kind of ridiculous.  Why are these people still living in this house?
  20. This is a long freaking movie.
  21. Why are they still leaving that poor dog down there with the passage to hell?  And where are the kids?
  22. Why is he going after Amy?  I feel like I missed something…
  23. If I’ve learned anything from Supernatural, it’s that ectoplasm means there’s a really pissed off spirit.
  24. You know what, it took you this long to figure out that you had to get out of the house, you kind of deserve to die.
  25. Aw, they saved the dog.

Ok, this movie was scary, but not terrifying.  Either this movie watching process has made me a little better about scary movies, or this one just wasn’t that scary.  And it saved itself from all the other movies I’ve watched where dogs die, because they went back and saved the dog.  Not too shabby, Amityville, not too shabby.

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Christine

July 2, 2010

Dean:  Have you seen Christine?

Rory:  Yeah.

Dean:  Well, it’s nothing like that. – 1.16

Ah, Stephen King.  We meet again.  I’ve watched 4 movies based on his books now for this blog (more on my own).  Will I ever escape you, Stephen King?  I actually kind of watched this movie once before.  I was visiting a friend and, true to form, I woke up before they did so I watched it but it was very quiet and I didn’t really know what was going on.  But I predict that it won’t be that scary based on that brief viewing.

Now for some things to mention:

  1. If a car slams a guy’s hand under the hood, wouldn’t you take it off the assembly line to check it out?  Not even that I would expect you to know it was a killer car, but maybe defective?  Just a guess.
  2. Ha ha, I love that his best friend decided he’s going to get Arnie laid this year.  “So, I was thinking…maybe we should get you laid.  Like this year.”
  3. Without fail, I will always love the attractive popular guy who is friends with the nerd.
  4. Christine is a dumb name for a car.  My car’s name is Lola.  Way better.
  5. If I knew anything about cars, I think it’d be a cool hobby to fix them up.  But, I’m really bad with cars.  Poor Lola is not treated well.
  6. That shop owner is just ASKING to be the first one killed by Christine.  Don’t be the jerk in the horror movie.
  7. Note to all boys: Don’t start asking a girl out by asking if she likes music.  Everyone likes music.
  8. So, here’s how my brain works.  They’re at the drive in in the pouring rain.  I think “Well that’s dumb, you can’t even watch the movie.”  Then I see they’re making out in the car.  For a moment, I forgot that was the fun of a drive in movie on a date.  Now I feel very old.
  9. How does a car make someone choke?  I can understand the idea of a car running someone over or killing them with carbon monoxide, but how does a car get into someone’s throat and cause them to choke?
  10. Remember when Luke beat up that guy’s car?  Good thing it wasn’t Christine…that thing would’ve come back to life and kicked the crap out of him.
  11. Someone crapped on the dashboard of his car?  Who would do that?  Why would someone do that?  I don’t understand boys.
  12. Really?  Christine’s just going to put herself back together in front of his eyes?
  13. I’ll admit, Christine on fire driving through the streets does look really stinking cool.
  14. This kind of reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors.  Except Seymour wasn’t a jerk.  But he did feed people to the plant.  So I guess Arnie wins that one.
  15. Really, shop owner?  Don’t sit in the car that was on fire.  You nearly burned your hand off opening the door.  Again, not expecting him to know it’s a killer car, just use common sense.
  16. Oh my goodness, Dennis plays board games with his little sister.  I love him even more.
  17. Poor Dennis, he just wanted a nice New Year’s drive with his best friend and all he got was a drunk driver and a killer car.  And he cried.  Still falling in love with him.
  18. Leigh’s kind of a slut face.
  19. Nice work Christine, you threw Arnie out of the car.  Where were you on that one?
  20. I can’t even imagine what kind of budget was needed for this movie.  They must have smashed up like 67 cars.

I can safely say that’s a good movie.  Got some good 80’s cheese, a nice 80’s heartthrob, and the horror of the 80’s that isn’t really all that scary.  And a random Kelly Preston cameo.

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Misery

June 20, 2010

Oh God. Mom has gone a little crazy with the figurines here, huh? A little Kathy Bates. Although you probably haven’t seen Misery, which is a good thing because Rory couldn’t sleep alone for a week after we watched it.” – 1.16

I’m a little nervous about Misery.  Rory couldn’t sleep alone for weeks after seeing it.  Stephen King has not served me well in the past.  I mean, let’s not ignore that horrible trick he played on me with the ending of Carrie.  So we’ll see how this goes.  I did wait until morning to watch it.  It’s no Lady and the Tramp, that’s for sure.

Now some things to mention:

  1. Is there anyone out there that can actually light a match with just one hand?
  2. I do not miss driving in the snow.
  3. I just got CPR certified yesterday and that is not the proper way to do it .  It’s 2 breaths, 30 chest compressions.  Not 2 breaths, 2 chest compressions.
  4. Wow, Kathy Bates looks young.
  5. Ew!  Stop talking about his bones!
  6. Woah, Annie.  Sometimes people swear.  Get over it.
  7. This sheriff and his wife are adorable.
  8. Yeah, you’re rethinking giving up on that series now, aren’t you Paul?  What’s a few more romance novels when compared to being alive?
  9. Oh god, all the broken limbs…I don’t know if I can handle this.  Damn you, Stephen King.
  10. I’ve decided I really don’t want Paul to die.  I think this could end badly for me.
  11. The penguin’s facing the wrong way!  Fix it Paul!!!
  12. No, don’t get out of the chair on those broken legs!  Don’t do it, I won’t be able to take any more cracking bones, Paul.
  13. Just for your knowledge, I’m actually shouting these things at the tv.  As if Paul can hear me and will do what I tell him to.  It’s not working.
  14. I’m telling you, the sheriff and his wife are secretly the most important characters in this movie.
  15. You are a sly fox, Paul Sheldon.  A sly fox.  But not sly enough my friend.
  16. Anyone remember the Pink video for Please Don’t Leave Me?  With that beautiful Eric Lively?  It’s a lot like this movie.
  17. She kills babies?!
  18. Let me paint a picture for you.  Annie starts to talk about “hobbling” Paul.  I grab my ears and shut my eyes and scream “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” and I wait until Paul’s screaming is done to open my eyes.  I open them and my cat is sitting next to the couch staring at me.  I think he thinks I’m crazy.  I think I probably am.
  19. Stop blaming your crazy on God.
  20. NOOOOOOO!!! NOT THE SHERIFF!
  21. I can’t believe she killed my favorite character.  I’m so over this movie.  The sheriff was the best guy in the whole movie.  And his cute little old wife is now a widow.  I’m so distraught.
  22. Wait, so beating her over the head with the typewriter didn’t do the trick, but tripping her so she falls on the typewriter?  That did it?  Oh wait…no it didn’t.

Holy cow, that’s a crazy movie.  Not scary like Carrie or The Shining, but scary in that creepy kidnapper thriller type of way.  Which, in reality does not scare me nearly as much.  It was good.  I’m glad I saw it.  I’ll never be able to look at Kathy Bates the same way though.

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King Kong (1976)

May 3, 2010

Rory, Dean, Lane, and Todd watch this on their double date. – 1.12

Let me start off by saying, I was not all that excited about watching this.  I LOVE the newest version of King Kong because of my major crush on Adrien Brody, and also my love for Colin Hanks.  I was concerned about this living up to my standards for King Kong.  However, I’m willing to give it a shot.  But seriously…Adrien Brody just makes movies better.

Now some things to mention:

  1. Who goes to that much trouble to sneak on a boat?
  2. When the movie was made in the 2000’s, they made the time period be in the 30’s.  In my opinion, if you live in the 70’s, you should make your movie’s time period be anything but the 70’s.  The outfits alone…
  3. Jeff Bridges reminds me of Lane’s husband Zach.  At least in this role.
  4. Dwan?  What kind of name is that?
  5. You don’t run ahead of people by yourself on an island no one has ever been on.  Stupid Dwan.
  6. 6 native girls for Dwan?  Sounds like a fair trade to me!  I bet their names aren’t as stupid.
  7. All the fog…it kind of reminds me of Louisiana in the morning.  Wonder if it feels as humid there.
  8. Oh, and as if we didn’t need another reason to hate Dwan…she’s into zodiac signs and horoscopes.  Naomi Watts was way better.
  9. Wow…those natives are so quiet.  Like freaking ninjas.
  10. I think this movie would be 10 times better if instead of King Kong showing up…it was Donkey Kong.  I would totally watch that movie.  Where’s a good screen writer when you need one?
  11. I don’t really get what the big deal is.  It’s not like some new animal.  It’s just a really big monkey.
  12. Jack Black was way more entertaining than this oil loser.
  13. Ew.  I don’t want some giant monkey blowing on me to dry me off.
  14. I’m starting to think that awful scene with the giant bugs in the new King Kong, came from this movie.  I foresee a giant bug scene…
  15. Sweet, no giant bugs.  Just dudes falling to their death.
  16. Holy crap, that’s a giant snake.  Thank God my sister isn’t watching this.
  17. Hey, he killed the snake in the same way he killed the T Rex in the new one.  By opening his mouth until it snapped.  Gross then…gross now.
  18. Really?  No one died while trying to capture him?  Lame.
  19. I really wish Jessica Lange would stop fainting whenever something happens.  She’s giving women a bad name.
  20. I kind of love Jack Prescott.  He can do a hell of a lot better than stupid Dwan.

So, it wasn’t terrible.  It also didn’t feel nearly as long as the new version.  Or as gross.  And Jeff Bridges was a nice stand in for Adrien Brody.  But Jessica Lange was a moron.  And Kong wasn’t scary at all.  I could see it being a good date movie for a couple of 16 year olds, but certainly not an excellent movie.

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Carrie

April 26, 2010

They’ve basically just moved off the plan to dump the pig’s blood on me at the prom, that’s all.” – 1.13

Yeah, you guessed it.  I’m totally scared to watch this movie.  However, I did survive a car accident this week with my sister and brother-in-law, so I’m pretty sure I’m invincible.

  1. What high school girl actually cares that much about a gym class volleyball game?  Heck, I was worse than Carrie in gym class volleyball, but no one cursed me out for it.
  2. I don’t really need to watch a girl shower in slow motion, but thanks for the offer.
  3. Carrie’s mom played one pf the people George had to reap in Dead Like Me.  So, I’m just going to think of that when I see her.  Instead of being totally scared of her.
  4. Hold on…does her mom think she only got her period because she had sex?
  5. Oh hey, John Travolta, what’s up?
  6. There’s a lot of face-slapping in this movie.
  7. I don’t really understand why they’re so pissed off at Carrie.  The gym teacher is the one who made them have detention.  Actually, they made themselves have detention for throwing tampons and pads at a naked girl.
  8. Maybe this makes me naive, but I really want to believe that Sue told her boyfriend to ask Carrie to prom to be nice…but I also kind of doubt it.  But maybe…
  9. John Travolta actually just said “Get ‘er done.”
  10. The boys in the tuxedo shop is probably my favorite scene ever.
  11. Oh the prom…I’ve been dreading this part.  It’s going to be scary…
  12. Carrie has really pretty hair.  Makes me a little sad that I just chopped all of mine off.
  13. Oh I really hope that boy actually wanted to kiss her and it’s not part of some big plan.
  14. Really?  Baseball Cap Girl wore her baseball cap to prom?
  15. Aw, everyone was clapping for her to win prom queen.  She could’ve even won on her own.  I hate that stupid Chris girl.
  16. Wow…intense prom scene.  But I’ve gotta be honest, not as scary as I thought it would be.  More tragic than anything else.
  17. The music in this movie is pretty freaking terrifying.
  18. Sissy Spacek had to get naked a whole lot for this movie.
  19. Holy crap.  That’s a lot of freaking knives to shove into your mother.
  20. Hey, creepy Jesus survived.  Awesome.
  21. COME ON!  THE MOVIE WAS OVER!  WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT STUPID ENDING TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME?!

So, since I thought the movie was over, I was just about to write about how it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, how it was just sad that Carrie was so abused by people and she didn’t really have a choice but to be a monster…and then that freaking last scene with the hand coming out of the ground happened.  And now I want to say it’s the scariest thing ever.  I’m jittery and sweating and for the first time since I’ve lived alone, I wish there was someone else here.  Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic for one 30 second scene, but COME ON!  And, there was some warning, but not enough to be able to avoid it.  I mean, they pulled that in an episode of Supernatural, but there was definitely a lot of warning when they did it.  I really thought it was over!

So…I’m glad the movie is actually over now.  And I already popped in a How I Met Your Mother dvd so hopefully by the time I have to function again without being completely terrified, I’ll be able to.  I kinda have to pee, but I’m afraid to go in my dark, empty bathroom.  That’s what happens when I watch scary movies.  My bladder gets punished.