Archive for the ‘80s’ Category



January 28, 2011

Max:  Mmhmm, put Cujo on the phone please. – 2.1

Y’all know how I feel about Stephen King.  Y’all also know how I feel about dogs.  So I’m a little nervous about this one.  I always wanted a St. Bernard, but Stephen has this history of destroying the things I love.  But, I’m going to be brave.

Now some things to mention:

  1. Aw, it starts with a bunny!  Bunnies aren’t scary!
  2. I think little kids should just be allowed to sleep with the lights on.  If you’re scared of the dark, sometimes it’s ok to sleep with the lights on.  Sometimes I leave the kitchen light on if I’m freaked out.  I see nothing wrong with that.
  3. Telling your kid there’s no such thing as real monsters is kind of crap.  I mean, what about serial killers?  They’re monsters.  Or killer St. Bernards.  I’d call that a monster.
  4. She’s sleeping with her husband’s tennis partner?  That’s an interesting twist.
  5. “Our marriage is falling apart.  We should probably have another baby.”
  6. What are the odds that the husband drives by right after his wife tries to leave the man she’s sleeping with while that man is trying to win her back?
  7. Poor Cujo.  He’s clearly feeling sick from his rabies-infested bat bite and those guys are being loud and bothering him.
  8. Hey man, just because your wife is a cheating whore, doesn’t mean you should take it out on your sweet little boy.
  9. Ok, how did no one notice the giant bite on Cujo’s nose?  I mean, you have a dog that roams free on farmland and shows up with a bite on his nose, you freaking get that dog checked out.
  10. That guy pretty much signed himself up to be the first one killed when he said “That dog would never come after me!”
  11. Are you egging on the rabid dog, stupid stupid man?
  12. Yeah, he doesn’t so much need the dog food now.  He just ate your friend.
  13. So far I’m not really getting the whole horror movie aspect of this.  If you ask me, it’s just a rabid dog.  I mean, he’s big because he’s a St. Bernard, but it’s still just a rabid dog.  They took care of it with Old Yeller.
  14. That kid just said “I can’t get my damn seat belt off” and she didn’t react at all.  He’s like 5.
  15. Trapped in a Pinto.  That’s a bad way to go.
  16. Poor Cujo.  He was just chasing a bunny and some stupid bat bit him and now everything’s getting blamed on him.  It’s not his fault the bat bit him and it’s not his fault no one noticed he was rabid.
  17. Close the windows before you try to start the car and get his attention!  These people are so dumb.
  18. Hold on, did that actually happen where she opened the door and the dog attacked her?  Or did her husband just dream it?
  19. Shaking and screaming at a kid during an asthma attack probably won’t help him very much.  Though apparently in this movie, it does.
  20. Well, Stephen King is a pro at making me think things are going to go well and then ruining my life by proving me wrong, so I’m not holding out much hope for this cop.
  21. If she got bit by Cujo, wouldn’t she get rabies?  I mean, she might not go rabid and I know it’s not like zombies, but she would at least get sick, wouldn’t she?
  22. Really?  You’re taking on a rabid St. Bernard with a baseball bat?  That’s probably not your best idea.
  23. Do you know for 100% sure that dog is dead?  Because if you don’t, you should probably still shoot him.  Just for safe measure.
  24. Who called it?  That dog totally wasn’t dead.  I knew he’d come back.  Stupid people.
  25. Yeah, you’re a little late there, Vic.

So, I think this is the kind of movie that scared me a lot during it (I covered my eyes and screamed a lot) but it probably won’t keep me up at night.  Like I said, it was just a rabid dog.  I am curious as to how the mother and kid who owned Cujo are going to react when they come back to their house and find three dead guys, a dog shot in the kitchen and a bloody Pinto in the yard.


Not Without My Daughter

January 15, 2011

“It’s going to be just like that Sally Field movie where her husband took them to Iran and wouldn’t let them come back except I won’t have to keep my head covered.”  – 2.1

Hello Season 2 movies!
I don’t know anything about this movie except that Sally Field is in it and it‘s based on a true story…  So here goes!

Things to mention:

  1. No way!  It’s Doc Ock!
  2. If it’s bad enough that he’s swearing on the Koran that you won’t be in any danger in Iran…that’s probably a bad sign.
  3. Careful Sally, they are a little TOO excited about your visit…You may be staying longer than 2 weeks.
  4. Every uncovered hair is like a dagger to the heart of your mothers?  Maybe we’re being a little over dramatic, guys.
  5. Yeah, sorry, but if my husband talked to me like that, he’d be in big trouble.  And I wouldn’t be there much longer for him to talk to me like that.
  6. “Oops, sorry honey.  I forgot to tell you, this two week vacation is forever.”
  7. Oh hell no.  You do not tell your wife she has to live in Iran and then punch her.
  8. How can you fall in love with someone and marry them and have a child with them and then turn into such a dick?  Hit her, kidnap her, force her to live in a foreign country and not even talk to her about it?  I’m so mad at you, Doc Ock.
  9. That little girl is stinking adorable.  Especially their little prayer.  So cute.
  10. Hold up…If you marry an Iranian man, you automatically become an Iranian citizen?  That’s insane!  Seriously, read the fine print before getting married, ladies.
  11. “I never want to hurt you” is hard to say when you beat the crap out of her just a couple days earlier.
  12. I think Islam is really fascinating.  This movie is kind of making the whole religion look awful.  Sad for Islam.
  13. Oh my goodness, that little girl screaming and crying when they drop her off at school is so heartbreaking!
  14. Yeah, your wife having a busted lip and a black eye really makes you look like a great husband.
  15. Oh dear Lord, he hit that little girl.  If I could reach through the tv I would kick him in the balls.
  16. Geez, run a little faster Betty!
  17. Don’t you hug him, Betty!  He beat you, he kidnapped your daughter, he locked you alone in the house, and you hug him?!
  18. Why couldn’t she just live in that giant house of Houssein’s?  Until they can get back to America?
  19. Why is it so stinking hard to get out of Iran?
  20. I’m not really one of those “Proud to be an American” types, but I may have teared up when she saw the American flag at the end.

Ok, that was good.  Not my number one choice, but I definitely didn’t get bored with it.  It did make me hate Doc Ock though.  Good thing he died at the end of Spiderman.



July 2, 2010

Dean:  Have you seen Christine?

Rory:  Yeah.

Dean:  Well, it’s nothing like that. – 1.16

Ah, Stephen King.  We meet again.  I’ve watched 4 movies based on his books now for this blog (more on my own).  Will I ever escape you, Stephen King?  I actually kind of watched this movie once before.  I was visiting a friend and, true to form, I woke up before they did so I watched it but it was very quiet and I didn’t really know what was going on.  But I predict that it won’t be that scary based on that brief viewing.

Now for some things to mention:

  1. If a car slams a guy’s hand under the hood, wouldn’t you take it off the assembly line to check it out?  Not even that I would expect you to know it was a killer car, but maybe defective?  Just a guess.
  2. Ha ha, I love that his best friend decided he’s going to get Arnie laid this year.  “So, I was thinking…maybe we should get you laid.  Like this year.”
  3. Without fail, I will always love the attractive popular guy who is friends with the nerd.
  4. Christine is a dumb name for a car.  My car’s name is Lola.  Way better.
  5. If I knew anything about cars, I think it’d be a cool hobby to fix them up.  But, I’m really bad with cars.  Poor Lola is not treated well.
  6. That shop owner is just ASKING to be the first one killed by Christine.  Don’t be the jerk in the horror movie.
  7. Note to all boys: Don’t start asking a girl out by asking if she likes music.  Everyone likes music.
  8. So, here’s how my brain works.  They’re at the drive in in the pouring rain.  I think “Well that’s dumb, you can’t even watch the movie.”  Then I see they’re making out in the car.  For a moment, I forgot that was the fun of a drive in movie on a date.  Now I feel very old.
  9. How does a car make someone choke?  I can understand the idea of a car running someone over or killing them with carbon monoxide, but how does a car get into someone’s throat and cause them to choke?
  10. Remember when Luke beat up that guy’s car?  Good thing it wasn’t Christine…that thing would’ve come back to life and kicked the crap out of him.
  11. Someone crapped on the dashboard of his car?  Who would do that?  Why would someone do that?  I don’t understand boys.
  12. Really?  Christine’s just going to put herself back together in front of his eyes?
  13. I’ll admit, Christine on fire driving through the streets does look really stinking cool.
  14. This kind of reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors.  Except Seymour wasn’t a jerk.  But he did feed people to the plant.  So I guess Arnie wins that one.
  15. Really, shop owner?  Don’t sit in the car that was on fire.  You nearly burned your hand off opening the door.  Again, not expecting him to know it’s a killer car, just use common sense.
  16. Oh my goodness, Dennis plays board games with his little sister.  I love him even more.
  17. Poor Dennis, he just wanted a nice New Year’s drive with his best friend and all he got was a drunk driver and a killer car.  And he cried.  Still falling in love with him.
  18. Leigh’s kind of a slut face.
  19. Nice work Christine, you threw Arnie out of the car.  Where were you on that one?
  20. I can’t even imagine what kind of budget was needed for this movie.  They must have smashed up like 67 cars.

I can safely say that’s a good movie.  Got some good 80’s cheese, a nice 80’s heartthrob, and the horror of the 80’s that isn’t really all that scary.  And a random Kelly Preston cameo.


The Heathers

April 2, 2010

“Wow, you’re the new Heather.” – 1.11

This is one I’ve seen before, but it obviously didn’t make much of an impression on me because I really don’t remember much about it.  So, I was ok with watching it again.
It’s an interesting movie.  VERY 80s.  It has some really fantastically amazing one-liners.  You know, like “F*** me gently with a chainsaw.”
Plus, who doesn’t love seeing a young Christian Slater?  Even if he is a little crazy.
Now for some things to mention:

  1. 10 extra points for this movie for opening with a girl putting her hair in a GIANT scrunchie.

  2. I love seeing Shannon Doherty playing the quiet, nice girl.

  3. The music on the show Popular sounds a lot like the music in this movie.  I wonder if that was on purpose.

  4. I forgot how crazy this movie was.  Kid pulls a gun out at lunch like it’s no big deal.

  5. Nice Baton Rouge reference.

  6. Oh those crazy over-sexed high school kids.

  7. This is like an 80’s version of Jawbreaker.

  8. No one would ever pass around a teenager’s suicide note in a high school class.

  9. What girl would honestly believe there were bullets that just make you unconscious when you get shot by them?

  10. I think I know why I didn’t remember this movie since the last time I watched it.  It’s kinda hard to believe that the things that are happening in it, are actually happening.

  11. Yeah, JD definitely needed that elbow in the crotch.

  12. Winona Ryder still looks like my friend Katherine.  And I still miss her.

  13. Veronica, no boy is worth this.

  14. Talk about being the poster boy for blowing up the school…headphones in, trench coat on, all in black…

  15. That’s a lot of blood for one freaking finger getting shot off.

The real hero of the story?  Martha Dumptruck.


Nine and 1/2 Weeks

January 18, 2010

“By the time it gets to Miss Patty it’s like a scene from 9 1/2 Weeks.” – 1.07

Another one I didn’t really know about going into it.  I do know that it was made the year I was born.  Which explains the awesome 80’s music.  And I also had a feeling it would be pretty risqué.  But besides that, not much else was there to give me any preconceived notions.
And yes, it was very risqué.  I was nervous because I though it would be like watching porn.  Although, I think I would have preferred that over watching this stupid woman fall further and further into it with this misogynistic sex-crazed man.  Honestly, I wanted to gauge my eyes out by the end just to avoid having to watch Kim Basinger let this guy control her.  Every time you think “Seriously, that has to be it, she has to be done with him,” she’s right back in bed with him.
Now some things to mention:
  1. They have one lunch together and he buys her a $300 shawl?  Where have those guys gone?
  2. The flower delivery man steals the show.  He should be the star.
  3. A man you hardly know takes you back to his place and starts making the bed, making you feel like a whore.  Makes you so uncomfortable you leave.  Then, he sends you flowers and suddenly you’re totally fine with him again?  Women are stupid.
  4. John’s pretty creepy…
  5. I don’t care how sexy they try to make it look…no one is pouring honey on me.
  6. I can’t believe I watched this movie after church.
  7. The feminist in me is dying watching Kim Basinger in this movie.
  8. If you leave a woman alone in your apartment, you can pretty much bet she will snoop.  It’s no reason to get angry.  It’s just life.
  9. Where are Elizabeth’s girl friends and why is no one saying “Dump this freak!”?
  10. I wonder how awkward it was for all involved to film this movie.
  11. It seems so counter productive to me to hit the woman your boyfriend was cheating with, instead of the boyfriend.

All in all.  I could have lived without this one.  But…the next few movies are some of my favorites and I’m very excited!


The Fly

December 31, 2009

“You didn’t build one of those machines like in The Fly, did you?  We’re not going to find you wandering the streets with a raspberry head crying ‘Eat me’?” – 1.06

Thank GOD this is the last of the creepy movies for a little while.  Though, I was pretty nervous about this one.  I mean, the guy turns into a fly.  That’s not going to be a pretty picture.  And it certainly didn’t help that as soon as I put the dvd in and the FBI warning screen came on, they had a little fly buzzing around the screen.  Very clever, guys.
Before this movie I had a very pleasant association with Jeff Goldblum.  I usually think about that episode of Friends when Joey does all of his auditions when he has to pee really bad.  I didn’t really want this movie to ruin that image for me.
Though, after about an hour and a half straight of closing my eyes and going “Ew!  Ew!  Make it stop!” I think Jeff Goldblum has been ruined for me.  Man, when he called Veronica a month after he found out about the Fly fusion to come see him, I wanted to take the dvd out and never ever think about it again.  He looked like an extra from the Thriller video.
Now some things to mention:
  1. Geena Davis is an attractive woman, but man, that hair does not do her any justice.
  2. If you try to teleport a baboon and it turns inside out and looks as gross as it did, then you should give up on teleporting living things.  Teleporting inanimate objects is still pretty cool.
  3. What have we learned from The Fly?  Old ladies pinch baby cheeks because the flesh makes them crazy.
  4. All of this insanity just because he doesn’t want to get motion sickness anymore?  Dude, I get sick on planes too but that’s a bit extreme.
  5. If you make the decision to teleport yourself…don’t do it drunk.  Wait until the next morning.
  6. I will never be able to hear a fly buzzing without getting grossed out ever again.
  7. Apparently having your DNA mixed up with a fly’s makes you have ADHD.  And a crazy insane sex drive.
  8. Did I miss the memo?  When did flies become super strong?
  9. When the man you were sleeping with vomits this gross gooey substance and then pulls off his own ear, how do you have the stomach to give him a hug?  Ew!
  10. Thank god that giving birth to a larvae scene was a dream.  My neighbors are probably going to have me evicted for how much I’ve screamed during this disgusting movie.
I’m almost mad at the Gilmore Girls for referencing this movie.  It kind of makes me want to die.  A movie has never made me want to throw up more than this one.  I would rather watch the Shining every day then  ever watch this movie ever again.  No one has to see this movie.  Ever.
My final review: Ew.


December 26, 2009

“I guess I should put this on the ‘Boy, was I wrong’ list.  Just above gauchos, but just below the Flashdance phase.” – 1.04

I will admit, my full attention was not on this movie.  I watched it the day before Christmas Eve, which was also the day before I headed home for the first time since August.  My head was somewhere else, and I was packing and making lunch while it was on.  That said, with this movie, I don’t think that was a problem.  Flashdance was like most 80’s flicks where there’s like 10 million different storylines, but really only one is resolved.  As long as you catch Alex’s audition for the snooty ballet academy at the end, the rest is just details.

So, this is a short post.  Sorry.

Now for some things to mention:

  1. That work out scene…girls do not look like that when exercising.  Sorry, boys.  Usually we put in our headphones and separate to our own machines.  And we certainly don’t spend that long discussing whether or not a guy will call us.
  2. Breakdancers are awesome.
  3. I really don’t see any redeeming qualities to Pittsburgh.  Granted, I’m from Philadelphia where we are raised to hate any other part of the state, but this movie certainly doesn’t give any romantic notions about the city.
  4. I would love to be friends with Alex.  If nothing else, you can trust the fact that if you ever end up working in a strip club as a naked chick sitting on a bar, she’ll throw her trench coat over you and drag you out.  Good friend, that one.
  5. Movies like this always make me really sad that I have no rhythm.  I wish I could control my body like they can.  Sure, I’ve got enough rhythm to sing or play guitar, but when it comes to dancing, forget it.

Overall, this movie could probably be skipped by most of you out there, unless you feel nostalgic for some awesome 80’s styles and music.  But you could probably get away with just watching one dance movie in your life.  Just trust the lead character will make it into the snooty dance school, even though she’s from the wrong side of the tracks.