Archive for December, 2009


The Fly

December 31, 2009

“You didn’t build one of those machines like in The Fly, did you?  We’re not going to find you wandering the streets with a raspberry head crying ‘Eat me’?” – 1.06

Thank GOD this is the last of the creepy movies for a little while.  Though, I was pretty nervous about this one.  I mean, the guy turns into a fly.  That’s not going to be a pretty picture.  And it certainly didn’t help that as soon as I put the dvd in and the FBI warning screen came on, they had a little fly buzzing around the screen.  Very clever, guys.
Before this movie I had a very pleasant association with Jeff Goldblum.  I usually think about that episode of Friends when Joey does all of his auditions when he has to pee really bad.  I didn’t really want this movie to ruin that image for me.
Though, after about an hour and a half straight of closing my eyes and going “Ew!  Ew!  Make it stop!” I think Jeff Goldblum has been ruined for me.  Man, when he called Veronica a month after he found out about the Fly fusion to come see him, I wanted to take the dvd out and never ever think about it again.  He looked like an extra from the Thriller video.
Now some things to mention:
  1. Geena Davis is an attractive woman, but man, that hair does not do her any justice.
  2. If you try to teleport a baboon and it turns inside out and looks as gross as it did, then you should give up on teleporting living things.  Teleporting inanimate objects is still pretty cool.
  3. What have we learned from The Fly?  Old ladies pinch baby cheeks because the flesh makes them crazy.
  4. All of this insanity just because he doesn’t want to get motion sickness anymore?  Dude, I get sick on planes too but that’s a bit extreme.
  5. If you make the decision to teleport yourself…don’t do it drunk.  Wait until the next morning.
  6. I will never be able to hear a fly buzzing without getting grossed out ever again.
  7. Apparently having your DNA mixed up with a fly’s makes you have ADHD.  And a crazy insane sex drive.
  8. Did I miss the memo?  When did flies become super strong?
  9. When the man you were sleeping with vomits this gross gooey substance and then pulls off his own ear, how do you have the stomach to give him a hug?  Ew!
  10. Thank god that giving birth to a larvae scene was a dream.  My neighbors are probably going to have me evicted for how much I’ve screamed during this disgusting movie.
I’m almost mad at the Gilmore Girls for referencing this movie.  It kind of makes me want to die.  A movie has never made me want to throw up more than this one.  I would rather watch the Shining every day then  ever watch this movie ever again.  No one has to see this movie.  Ever.
My final review: Ew.

The Sixth Sense

December 31, 2009
Rory:  Philadelphia?  If you could live in any city in the world, you’d pick Philadelphia?
Lane:  M. Night Shyamalan lives there.
Rory:  Who?
Lane:  The guy who directed the Sixth Sense.
Rory:  But what would you do there?
Lane:  Hang out with M. Night Shyamalan. – 1.05
This reference is the beginning of many times when Gilmore Girls makes fun of my hometown of Philadelphia.  It breaks my heart, but what can you do?  Philadelphia is pretty easy to mock.
I never got to watch this movie without knowing the twist.  When my sister saw it when I was younger, I asked her to tell me because I knew I would never be brave enough to see it, so I never got to experience that moment of surprise.  But it’s still pretty awesome.  It’s kind of like watching Fight Club after you’d watched it that first time.  You can catch little things in it that you missed the first time.  I also just got back from a visit to Philadelphia, so it was nice to kind of visit it again through this movie.
Really, I could see where Lane is coming from.  After watching this movie, you’d think M. Night would be a cool guy to hang out with.  It’s an awesome movie.  Signs was also pretty awesome.  The Village was pretty cool to see the first time.  Lady in the Water was…an interesting experience.  Then came The Happening.  M. Night is no longer someone I would want to hang out with.  Really, what happened to this guy?  This guy who did such an AMAZING job with the Sixth Sense created such a crappy movie with The Happening.  Where did you go wrong, M. Night?
At least we can always still rent the good ones while we try to ignore the awful ones.
Now some things to mention:
  1. I  am notorious for not closing cabinets when I’m done with them.  My roommates used to tell me the kitchen looked like the Sixth Sense after I left it.  So, really, when that scene is supposed to freak you out, it just makes me laugh.
  2. Haley Joel Osment was such a cute little nugget.
  3. Are kids really that mean?  I mean, I wasn‘t a total freak like Cole, but I did see some teasing when I was a kid.  But locking a kid in one of those little cupboard things?  That’s just harsh.
  4. Malcolm is such the typical man.  He goes weeks without interacting with his wife at all and still doesn’t figure out that it’s because he’s dead.  If a woman went that long without her husband saying 1 word to her, she would probably start to think something was up.
  5. That “I see dead people” scene is much less dramatic after you’ve seen about 50 million parodies of it.
  6. Good job with all the red symbolism, M. Night.
  7. How do you tell a little boy to sit and listen to these ghosts?  That’s like the scariest thing in the world.  Though, to be fair, Mischa Barton isn’t all that scary.
  8. I am not one of those girls who cries very often or is very emotional, but if you don’t tear up at the scene when Cole tells his mom that her mother comes to see him and is proud of her every day…then you just have no soul.
Next movie is The Fly.  A little nervous about that one.


December 26, 2009

“I guess I should put this on the ‘Boy, was I wrong’ list.  Just above gauchos, but just below the Flashdance phase.” – 1.04

I will admit, my full attention was not on this movie.  I watched it the day before Christmas Eve, which was also the day before I headed home for the first time since August.  My head was somewhere else, and I was packing and making lunch while it was on.  That said, with this movie, I don’t think that was a problem.  Flashdance was like most 80’s flicks where there’s like 10 million different storylines, but really only one is resolved.  As long as you catch Alex’s audition for the snooty ballet academy at the end, the rest is just details.

So, this is a short post.  Sorry.

Now for some things to mention:

  1. That work out scene…girls do not look like that when exercising.  Sorry, boys.  Usually we put in our headphones and separate to our own machines.  And we certainly don’t spend that long discussing whether or not a guy will call us.
  2. Breakdancers are awesome.
  3. I really don’t see any redeeming qualities to Pittsburgh.  Granted, I’m from Philadelphia where we are raised to hate any other part of the state, but this movie certainly doesn’t give any romantic notions about the city.
  4. I would love to be friends with Alex.  If nothing else, you can trust the fact that if you ever end up working in a strip club as a naked chick sitting on a bar, she’ll throw her trench coat over you and drag you out.  Good friend, that one.
  5. Movies like this always make me really sad that I have no rhythm.  I wish I could control my body like they can.  Sure, I’ve got enough rhythm to sing or play guitar, but when it comes to dancing, forget it.

Overall, this movie could probably be skipped by most of you out there, unless you feel nostalgic for some awesome 80’s styles and music.  But you could probably get away with just watching one dance movie in your life.  Just trust the lead character will make it into the snooty dance school, even though she’s from the wrong side of the tracks.


The Shining

December 25, 2009

“We like our internet slow, ok?  We can turn it on, walk around, do a little dance, make a sandwich.  With DSL, there’s no dancing, no walking, and we’d starve.  It’d be all work and no play.  Have you not seen The Shining, mom?” – 1.02

So, at 8am this morning, I sat on my couch, faced my fears and turned on the Shining.  My thinking was that if I can get this movie done first thing today, I can have the entire rest of the day to get it out of my mind.

The only thing I was excited about with this movie was Jack Nicholson.  I love Jack.  I know, he’s good at being the scary bad guy, but I just can’t help it.  Scary or not, the man is a damn good actor.

It would be really easy for me to say, now that it’s over, that it wasn’t as scary as I had anticipated.  But no one would believe me.  But  I will say that I made it scarier than it needed to be.  The really scary stuff doesn’t come until the end, but man alive, if Stanley Kubrick doesn’t build that suspense.  I swear, the days of the week have never been scarier.  But, I kept my eyes shut at a lot of parts where I didn’t need to, just because I anticipated something scary.  But, at the end, it actually was scary.  A lot of jumping going on over here.

Overall, I will say that I was scared and have no desire to see it again.  However, I will be able to sleep tonight.  Mainly because I never actually saw the crazy lady in the bathtub.  My eyes were covered during that entire scene.  Had they been open, I probably wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.

I just have to remember:  “It’s just like pictures in a book, Danny.  It isn’t real.”

Now, some things to mention:

  1. Why didn’t the parents think that Danny having a boy that lived in his mouth and talked out of his finger was weird?  That happened before the hotel…your kid is a nut job, maybe get him checked out, guys.
  2. Thank you, Stanley, for always letting me know when something scary was coming.  The creepy music was an excellent warning.
  3. Little kids riding those big wheel things always means something scary will happen. Hello, the Omen?  I knew the second Danny was riding that thing that nothing good could happen.
  4. I totally wish I had Danny’s wardrobe.  I so want a sweater with the Apollo 11 space shuttle knitted on.
  5. Poor Wendy was the only sane one.  She just wanted to make food and talk to the rangers on the radio, but every time she turned around, one of her boys was doing something crazy!
  6. I was totally psyched when you see that Mr. Hallorann is coming to save them…then there’s this moment where you remember that he is completely unarmed and Jack has an axe.  Oh yeah, they’re still screwed.
  7. Frozen Jack Nicholson = Ew.

Pre-The Shining Post

December 22, 2009

I thought I would just write a quick little something before I actually watch the Shining and post about it.

Just to let everyone know, watching the Shining has become one of my biggest concerns.  Seriously, it came in my mailbox last night and I probably won’t watch it until Wednesday.

My sister keeps telling me how it was the scariest thing she’s ever seen.  When we were kids, my sister was the one reading R.L. Stine books while I was still hanging out with the Baby Sitter’s Club.  So, in my opinion, she’s pretty brave (except for when it comes to snakes…).  My brother-in-law says it’s not too bad, but he’s a boy and doesn’t understand just how scared I get, so he doesn’t count.

I watched the mini-series once, but that wasn’t even a little bit scary.  I mean, the little boy in it was Uh Huh from the Little Rascals movie.  There is nothing scary about Uh Huh.  So, the movie sits, still wrapped in its Netflix packaging on top of my bookshelf.  My plan is to watch it early tomorrow when I have the day off from work, while the sun is out, and then follow it up with the next movie on my list, Flashdance.  I figure, if I watch it early enough, I can spend the rest of the day getting it out of my head before bedtime.

Yes, this post is a rant.  But it’s just to let you all (whoever reads this…) know how big of a deal it is for me to watch this movie.  I’m TERRIFIED.  And this is only the first really scary one on the list.  It’s going to get so much worse…The Sixth Sense comes after Flashdance.


Schindler’s List

December 20, 2009

“I was in the German Club for a while, but there were only 3 of us, and 2 left for the French Club after seeing Schindler’s List.” – 1.02

Schindler's List, Oskar Schindler

This is the first one so far that I’ve never seen before.  Totally blank slate going into this one.  So, instead of taking notes during it like the last 2, I turned off all the lights, pulled out my crocheting (Nerd alert…) and gave it my full attention.

And now, about five million hours later, I am wiping tears and sitting in silence.  Wow.  I know, about 10 million people have already said how powerful this movie is, but holy cow.

I totally wasn’t expecting to be affected by this movie.  I’ve always been terrible with history.  No joke.  I don’t know basic things that everyone with a high school diploma should know.  I’m not proud of this, it’s just always how I’ve been.  I don’t pay attention to facts.  Just big ideas.  So, when the movie started, I was totally confused.  I didn’t know if Schindler was the good guy or not, that’s how clueless I was.  I knew nothing coming into it.  And to be totally honest, Liam Neeson totally creeps me out.  Though, I will say, this movie probably changed my opinion about him.  I was super confused and overwhelmed with information.

But, as it went on and I stopped getting hung up on the little details and opened up to the big picture of it all, I got more and more into it.  And even though it’s like a 3 and a half hour movie, I never got bored or wanted it to end.

It just blows my mind that the Nazis could have done this.  Admittedly, I really don’t know much about the facts of the Holocaust, but to my simple brain, it seems like the Nazis are just one group of people and the managed to overtake SO many people.  How does that happen?  And why did so many people believe that the Jews deserved to die?  It breaks my heart and blows my mind.  And what’s worse is that this kind of thing can and still does happen.

It makes me feel incredibly lucky that I’ve never been personally affected by something like this, but it also makes me feel guilty that I can never understand the HORRIBLE things people have to endure because of what they believe or look like.  Sure, I’ve met people who disagree with my views about women’s rights or politics or religion, but no one has ever hurt me because of it.  Yes, it sucks when people assume that my pro-choice stance means I want babies dead (ok, maybe an exaggeration…) but, besides a bad feeling, I’m still ok after being disagreed with.

I want to end this post on a positive note, so here it is.  Yes, a HUGE group of people killed millions.  But, ONE man saved thousands.  There are literally 6,000 descendants of the Schindler Jews.  As hokey as it may sound, one person can make an extraordinary difference.  Could you imagine if your entire family’s existence was dependent on the good deed’s of one man?  That’s pretty awesome.


Mommie Dearest

December 18, 2009

“Come on, you’re not going to give me the Mommie Dearest treatment forever, are you?” – 1.01

“No wire hangers ever!”  Shockingly, there are more lines in the movie besides this one.  No, really, there are.  This is another one I’ve seen before several times.  It’s incredibly disturbing.  But, at the end of it, you just want to say “Really, Christina?  Is that really how it happened?”

I did some research once to see if I could find any evidence that this is actually how Christina Crawford grew up.  From what I’ve read, while Joan Crawford was probably a bad mother, she wasn’t as bad as she was made out.  The directors of the film even say they think Faye Dunaway’s performance was a bit over the top (Especially the rose garden insanity scene…).

But it does make for a good movie.

The thing I love about this movie is that if any celebrity treated their kids this way today, it would be all over the internet in a split second.  What’s that?  You want examples?  Ok…  Britney with Sean Preston on her lap while driving, Michael with the baby over the balcony, Michael Lohan doing anything…People would definitely know about it in today’s world.

Things to mention:

  1. I could never spend any time in Joan Crawford’s house.  I’m a very messy person, and that was a damn clean house.
  2. Any birthday party scene in older movies will inevitably remind me of the Omen.  I keep waiting for the nanny to shout out “It’s all for you, Damien!” and then jump out the window.
  3. Granted, Joan Crawford was a bad mom…but speaking as a former nanny, Christina was a bratty kid.  That scene when she won’t eat her meat and she puts down her fork and gives that withering stare…I have seen that look on kids and it makes you crazy.  Though, usually not crazy enough to force them to eat the same plate of food for 2 days.
  4. I really wish I was able to say “Because I’m damn mad!” and get away with it.
  5. I’m so glad I never had a desire to be an actress.  Life is dramatic enough without creating your own drama, Joan.
  6. I’m also glad that my parents never strapped me to my bed like Christopher was.
  7. Speaking of Christopher…Where the hell did he go for like 15 years?
  8. When Christina has that ovarian tumor, she calls her Mommie dearest…not 911.  If your mom was that bad, wouldn’t you have learned your lesson?  You should’ve seen her stealing your role on your soap opera coming, Christina.

While it’s a good movie, it probably could have been like an hour shorter.  I think even my cats got bored.

“Because I’m not one of your FANS!”